Dots
by Agent Dalton
Summary: Wrath of those icky candy dots.


DOTS  
  
By Agent Dalton, the writer of stupid fics only me and my cousin can appreciate.  
  
Summary: Wrath of those icky candy dots. (Kind of a parody of Brand X, but it takes a different path into Willy Wonka land later)   
  
Spoilers: Brand X, sort of, but not really...I dunno. I'm just a really confused person.  
  
Rated: PG-13 for the damn language  
  
Archive: I don't care. Just keep my name on it.  
  
Disclaimer: Yeah, Mulder, Scully, and all the others belong to me.(Bring it on) I own Dots too. Go ahead and sue me. You'll get every penny of my 30 dollars I have in change. Or you can have my brother. He'd make a good X-file. I can just see it now... "Mulder, how does he smell that bad even after a shower?" "I don't know Scully, but the stench could kill someone." OK, on with the fic!  
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Down in the dark basement of the Dot factory, a team of scientists worked in silence. They all new what they were to do. It would be a revolution in the candy industry. They had a few test subjects already eating them and giving them reports. The scientists were creating dot-alien hybrids. They would be a new race of (Dun dun dun) SUPER DOTS!!!  
  
(Insert little beginning song here, then add some commercials that every one is really really sick of, like that one that goes "I hang out with a pretty trashy circle, the circle who helps this circle" (holds up globe) And then add an orange juice commercial and a couple of other stupid things)  
  
"Don't worry Mr. Youaregonnadie, you will be safe as long as we are here", Skinner said, "Nothing bad will happen" Skinner walked over to the window and looked out. He didn't see anything, but you never really know what old dude eyes can see or not. He thought to himself, "This is really boring. Why the hell should we bother with the business of the Dot factory people? Oh I dont know, I really have to shit. where is the bathroom?"   
  
After a while of searching for the pot while he was supposed to be keeping track of the Youaregonnadie family, he finally found it, and lo and behold, there was an issue of readers digest in the bathroom. "Perfect bathroom reading", he thought.   
  
When he was in the middle of a nice little article, he heard a scream. He thought it was probably the missus, but it could have been a girlie scream from the dude he was supposed to be guarding.   
  
He jumped off the pot, pulled up his pants and ran to where the scream came from. (he didn't wipe...ewwwwwwww)  
  
"What's wrong ma'am?", the skinman said. (He decided the scream must have came from her) "My husband, he's in the living room and I can't open the door." Skinner kept doing that thing where you hit the door with your shoulder, and hope you don't break a bone, and he finally got it open. Mr. Youaregonnadie was dead, with his jaws clamped shut with little colorful things...Dots.  
  
(Insert some more commercials here, presumably the same ones from before.)  
  
"What happened here, Scully?", Mulder asked. "I am not very sure, but there are small bruises around the neck, and there is some colorful sticky stuff in his teeth." "It looks like dots. Where did the guy work?" Scully looked in her little folder thing, found the right page, and said, "The Dot factory. Apparently the guy liked them. He was eating them when he died." "Or did they eat him?", Mulder said. "Don't be a dumbass, Mulder. How could candy eat a human?" "I don't know, but I know a place where we could find out."  
  
Mulder and Scully walked up the long path to the doors of the Dot factory. It was a colorful building with murals of dots and other candy on the bricks. When they got to the door an Oompa Loompa kind of dude opened up the door, and Mulder and Scully flashed their badges. "Uh, we're looking for Mr. Wonka, the manager", Mulder said while eyeing the orange and green midget, I mean little person.   
  
"Oompa Loompa Boopity Boo, you want to see the maneger-oo." "Yeah", Scully said, "We do." Right then a man in a purple top hat played this cool little tune on his flute and told the Oompa Loompa to go away.  
  
"We're agents Mulder and Scully with the FBI", Mulder said. "May we come in?" "Do you have a golden ticket?", Willy Wonka asked. "No, but we have these badges.", Scully said as the flashed their badges again. "OK, fine but we have so much time and so little to do here at the Dot factory. Strike that. So little time and so much to do." "Yeah", Mulder said in his that guy is really really fruity voice. "May we ask you some questions?" "Fine, but make it fast"   
  
"Do you know who Mr. Youaregonnadie is?", Scully asked. "Yeah, he was involved in my top secret project funded by the consortium, I mean he was in charge of the Oompa Loompas.", Willy Wonka said quickly. "What secret project?" Mulder said a bit harshly. "What? Secret project? Huh?", Willy Wonka said in a I know I said it but I'm denying it kind of voice little brothers use.  
  
"You said he was involved in a secret project funded by the consortium, Mr. Wonka.", Mulder said kind of close to Willy Wonka's face. "What was that project?"  
  
"Fine, I will tell you. There was a top secret project that we had going on where we made Dot-Alien Hybrids in order to try and create a race of SUPERDOTS", he said in an exclamatory voice, "Well, we didn't succeed. The dots started lashing out and strangling people when they were about to be eaten or were just beginning to be chewed on. It is a very tragic thing."  
  
"Yeah", Scully said. "But I don't believe you." "I'll prove it.", Willy Wonka said. He took out a pack of dots and threw them at Mulder. They then jumped out and gave a little Alien war whoop before they stared attacking Mulder. Scully desperately tried to get them off of Mulder. She got a few of them off and helped him get to the car. Then she started driving really really fast, knowing that she might not get there in time.  
  
(Insert same commercials from the last two breaks here)  
  
Mulder was laying in a hospital bed unconcious. "How is he doing", Scully asked one of the doctors. "Not too good. We keep pumping sugar out from his lungs, but it's no good. The sugar just keeps reproducing." "I think I have and idea", Scully told the doctor., "Put 30 milligrams of dots in the heparin drip. It should work." "OK...sure", the doctor said and then walked to the nearest vending machine to get some Dots.   
  
(we now switch to a scene that says one week later or whatever)  
  
"Those Dots saved your life, Mulder" "The did more that save my life", he said, "On my way to work I picked up these." He showed Scully a box of dots. "Mulder, You're not going to start eating dots, are you?" "No, I guess not.", he said before throwing them into the garbage can. "We have a meeting with Skinner", Scully said. "OK I'll be right there", Mulder said. After Scully left he eyed the Dots very strangely as if he was trying to decide whether to take them or not.  
  
DONE  
  
  
Just some other things...  
  
Tom Green is very inspirational. I listened to the Bum Bum song on repeat the whole time I was writing this.  
  
I really really hate dots.  
  
I don't like eps that piss me off  
  
Moo forever  
  
  
  
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